by Derek Pyle
This is a great day for everyone who has ever been disturbed by the graphic imagery contained in the Bible–which ranges from the ominous New Testament threat, “there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth,” to the Old Testament time God flooded the whole earth, leaving only a single incestuous family to re-populate. Finally, the Westborough Baptism Church is working to rid the earth of this filth.
On Wednesday, April 16, 2014, the Westborough Baptism Church came to the University of Massachusetts in Amherst to protest the Bible’s depraved verses and publicly lament the negative effect this smut is having on our culture. Here are some highlights from their speeches.
In a rally that lasted longer than “the begats,” members of the Church took turns speaking out against the worst aspects of the so-called Good Book. Showing impressive theological prowess, even the group’s teenagers were able to quote scripture, and gave detailed critiques of the verses, all while standing at the rally podium and shouting through a megaphone.
One prominent Church member, John Felps, discussed the dirty war time politics found in scripture, emphasizing connections to our present day wars. “In Joshua 6,” he said, “The Lord serves as Commander-in-Chief, devising a strategic plan for Joshua and his army to destroy the city of Jericho. The plan, like God, is flawless in its execution: ‘they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword'” [Joshua 6 verse 21].
As John continued, he drew parallels between Donald Rumsfeld as God and Joshua as “the pawn George Bush.” Referring to Joshua 6, verse 19 (“But all the silver, and gold, and vessels of brass and iron, [were] consecrated unto the LORD: they shall come into the treasury of the LORD”), Mr. Felps said, “The silver and gold is oily fodder for Cheney’s Haliburton. The Bible is an abomination. Having extolled such filth for centuries, no wonder the Western world is fucked.” Later in his speech, Mr. Felps drew parallels between the harlot who is spared by Joshua (for spying on her on people), and Osama bin Laden, the criminal mastermind who was trained by the CIA in the early 90s. “In God’s Bible, it’s all just dirty politics,” shouted another enraged member of the Church.”
Later in the rally, Susie Felps deplored the Bible’s senseless sexualized brutality. “This disgusting literary epicenter patriarchy is even more dehumanizing than Law & Order SVU,” Susie said, referring to passages such as those found in 2 Samuel 12 (verse 11 – 15), when Amnon grabs his sister Tamar and says, “Come to bed with me, my sister”:
“No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her. Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!”
Especially powerful was the energetic sermons delivered by the younger members of the Westborough Baptism Church. Speaking with the bluntness of a teenager, Matt Felps said, “God is like so uptight. He is always micromanaging everything. Like when the Kohathites need to move their camp, God is so specific about how to do it.” Matt then showed off his powerful intelligence and memory, quoting from Numbers 4, verse 5 – 14:
Aaron and his sons are to go in and take down the shielding curtain and put it over the ark of the covenant law. Then they are to cover the curtain with a durable leather, spread a cloth of solid blue over that and put the poles in place. Over the table of the Presence they are to spread a blue cloth and put on it the plates, dishes and bowls, and the jars for drink offerings; the bread that is continually there is to remain on it. They are to spread a scarlet cloth over them, cover that with the durable leather and put the poles in place.
Matt paused to drink water before continuing:
They are to take a blue cloth and cover the lampstand that is for light, together with its lamps, its wick trimmers and trays, and all its jars for the olive oil used to supply it. Then they are to wrap it and all its accessories in a covering of the durable leather and put it on a carrying frame. Over the gold altar they are to spread a blue cloth and cover that with the durable leather and put the poles in place.
As Matt went on his voice became increasingly sarcastic, reflecting his disdain for such regulations. The crowd, however, was noticeably less interested:
They are to take all the articles used for ministering in the sanctuary, wrap them in a blue cloth, cover that with the durable leather and put them on a carrying frame. They are to remove the ashes from the bronze altar and spread a purple cloth over it. Then they are to place on it all the utensils used for ministering at the altar, including the firepans, meat forks, shovels and sprinkling bowls. Over it they are to spread a covering of the durable leather and put the poles in place.
“I mean, Jesus Christ, how anal-retentive can you be?” said Matt finally. At this point, Matt’s cousin Mark, a hippie looking guy, stepped to the megaphone and added, “I mean yeah, because then if you don’t follow his rules he kills you! over the stupidest shit! Like when Moses said to Aaron and his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, ‘Do not let your hair become unkempt and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the Lord will be angry with the whole community’ [Leviticus 10, verse 6]. Tony Soprano is less of a jealous God than this shmuck!”
It was a funny joke, but God was not laughing when the rally ended with Glenn Back telecasting his criticisms of the new film Noah, by Darren Aronofsky. See a clip here.